Feeling Let Down

I have recently been thinking about being let down. It occurred to me that I am so very use to being let down by others, it’s almost like second nature to me. When I think about it I get kind of sad because I wish it wasn’t so, but due to life experiences I have just grown accustomed to people letting me down. I have also developed a wonderful skill of not having too high of expectations.

My mom was really upset about something that happened a few weeks ago, and I tried really hard to understand where she was coming from. I kept asking her why she let herself get so worked up about this incident because it just let her down in the end. She of course could not understand why I wasn’t more upset and it dawned on me– I have just grown so use to certain people doing things the exact opposite of what they say.

I tried to figure out how I became somewhat cynical, and I know exactly how this happened. Every time my mom would be drunk or would go to a bar and I would cry, beg and plead for her to not do it again. She would make would be false promises and tell me it was the last time she would drink or go to a bar. Every time she went back on those promises my heart would break a little more, until I just stopped believing her. I know that this is a common problem people with addictions face, or the people that love them. Not only did I stop believing her I began to believe that others would let me down in the same way as well. I don’t know if I was creating that which I feared or if I was just being realistic about situations.

This trait is not conducive to developing healthy relationships with others, and my saint of a husband is very patient with me as I try to work through this. I am also thankful for a loving Heavenly Father that loves me and is there for me time and time again. He allows me to feel like I can trust, and He has put people in my life that have shown me a different way. I am grateful for this, and I hope that as I get older it gets a littler easier for me to trust others. I also hope that my heart can be protected from experiencing that sort of pain again.

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Long Hiatus

It has been quite a few weeks/months since I have posted anything on my blog! Having a baby will do that to a lady! We welcomed a beautiful baby girl into our family recently and I have been busy caring for and getting to know our little angel! I am so thankful for my family and the chance I have to have children. I know this is a gift that is not afforded to some unfortunately. I hope you will forgive my hiatus, but I will be making an effort to get back into the swing of things!

Is Everything OK?

If someone were to ask me right now if everything was OK, and I was being honest, I would tell them no. Everything is not OK right now. That isn’t how we answer though is it? It’s hard to be vulnerable and honest when things aren’t OK in our lives.

My life is the kind of life that make others grateful for their trials… Seriously I have been told that more times than I care to admit. I’m glad that all the trials I have make others grateful for the ones they have, how did I get so lucky? It is a little discouraging when people say that to me, it makes me feel like I won some really crappy lottery or something.

I won’t go into it all here because I don’t like to share things that are happening right in the moment. A lot of what I am feeling/going through are ongoing issues or things from the past that are haunting me. I wish I could run away at times, get a breath before having to be thrown back into all the trials. Life does not work like that though, when we need a break the most is when we are the least likely to get one.

I suppose all we can do when heavy challenges, trials, hardships, disappointments, and heartaches come knocking on our door is to endure them as best as possible. Maybe try to find someone that is going through even worse times so we can be grateful for our own hardships…. Or be grateful that our life can be a help to others as they are able to appreciate that things aren’t worse for them currently. I’m choosing to keep my head up, cry when I need to, and find things to be grateful for during my current difficulties. I know this storm shall pass eventually, but for now everything is not OK.

My Favorite Time of Year

I absolutely love this time of year. Right after Halloween is over–that’s my favorite. I love fall, the crisp air, the changing of the season, and the preparations for Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving because it is all about giving thanks and having gratitude for what we have. I enjoy the thankful posts on Facebook and how so many seem to be trying to see the bright side of things. I wish there was a way we could hold onto this spirit through the whole year (we for sure needed it before this awful election this year!).

I know in my own life I have much to be thankful for , and I am reminded of so many things on a daily basis. I am thankful for the wonderful dinner we will be able to enjoy together as a family on Thanksgiving, and all the other meals my family and I have each day. I know there are many people who aren’t as fortunate, in fact I know first hand what it is like to not have enough food to fill my stomach.

I am so thankful for my family and the love that surrounds our home, even on the difficult days. I am thankful for the freedoms we enjoy in this society, which sometimes seem to be taken for granted. We truly have much to be thankful for, not just at this time of year but all year long. When things look grim and he are full of despair let us try to look at all the things we have to be thankful for in our lives.

 

Beauty Around Us

Morning

This picture was taken in probably my favorite state to visit–California! I love waking up in the mornings and being close to the Pacific Ocean and the mountains so close. I just don’t posses enough words to describe my love for California, so this picture will have to do for now until I can visit again.

Differing Points of View

Isn’t it funny how we can go through an experience (the same as others), but our view of things can be totally different?! I always find that interesting, and I love to hear others perspectives.

My older brother went into the Army straight out of high school. He was there during the Gulf War. During that time I was young, we are talking 5 or 6 years-old, but I remember some things. The few things I remember are first and foremost my mom crying- A LOT! I remember being scared because WAR is a big word. I remember worrying that I would never see my brother again, when I felt like I didn’t know him at all.

As an adult I understand things a lot better, and more differently, than I did as a child. War is still a scary word, but it seems to surround us constantly. I am thankful my brother was kept safe and made it home alive. I have been able to know my brother, and develop a close relationship with him.

Now, as I look at that time, I’m thankful I didn’t have as many worries as I’m sure the adults did at the time. I do wish I could have had a little more understanding of what was going on. I’m sure those who are older than I am remember that time differently and that’s how life works. I would love to sit down and hear others perspective of this time in our history.

A Little Advice

A Piece of Advice

“I believe the family to be the basic and most important unit of society.

The greatest joys of life are experienced in happy family relationships. The most poignant of sorrows, the most bleak and forlorn feelings of misery come of unhappy family life.” -Gordon B. Hinckley (August, 1992)

As I was growing up my home life made it as such that there was not much stability living with my mom. It caused a lot of stress, and I wondered what life would have been like to live in a stable home with two parents, siblings running around, and a feeling of security surrounding me. When I became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I felt like I belonged and I was where I was meant to be. One of the most important pieces of advice that I received was how important the family unit is to our society.

In my humble opinion I truly believe with my whole heart that so many problems in society could be better if there were more stable family homes in our society. Now I am not so dense to think that all of our problems in this day and age are due to instability in the home life, I just feel that a lot of problems could be eased if children were growing up in a stable home. How much more at ease would we feel ourselves if we knew that at the end of the day, and no matter what craziness is going on in the world around us, we were going to go home to a loving family?

As this advice from Gordon B. Hinckley states, bleak and forlorn feelings come from an unhappy family life. I don’t feel that having family at home will fix all problems, but it sure helps to have a family. I know for me personally I love going home to my husband and kids and knowing that they love me regardless of how things are going. It brings me such comfort, and a sense of belonging in a world that seems to be in constant turmoil. This is not to say that my life has always been hunky-dory, I have been through a long divorce and have felt the pain and loneliness that accompanies such an event.

Having said this I do believe that the greatest joys truly do come from happy family life, and I am thankful to have a family. Even through the good and the bad times family is what matters most in this life.

Life’ s Little Moments

My grandparents are some of the most amazing people I have ever known. My goal is to be a culmination of all four of their most positive traits. I truly just want them to be proud of me. My mother’s parents died when I was about 10, I wish I would have known them better.My father’s parents are still alive, but my grandfather is dying slowly from Alzheimer’s disease. My paternal grandmother is still very much alive and feisty, we are still very close to this day. We have many long and thoughtful chats.

Some of my most cherished memories of my childhood are from when I would visit my grandparents. They would have me up for a week or two at a time. My grandfather and I would wake up early and go get donuts from this wonderful shop. My grandma made this coffee cake that is divine (I still request it every year for my birthday). We would go for walks along the beach at Lake Michigan, and bike rides in their neighborhood.

Spending time with them made me feel normal, and grounded. I always dreaded going home to my moms house. I will forever be grateful for the time I had with my grandparents, and for the reprieve I was able to enjoy from my depressing reality.

Even though my grandfather isn’t himself, I will cherish my memories with him forever. I think this is why so many people tout the sentiment that making memories is more important than making money. Those memories stick around a lot longer than any amount of money. Life goes on, and the memories remain.

Life’s Little Disappointments

The many disappointments in life. I know I have had my fair share in this life. Some happen due to the agency of others, while other times it is due to our own choices (I hate those times so much-why can’t I just be perfect?!) Other times disappointments come about because of things entirely outside of our control. That’s my focus today.

Let me tell you a story that is just oh so common in my life. the theme, place, and time may change, but the story is the same a lot of the time. I love the Fourth of July! I love this country and the freedoms we enjoy. I am proud to be an American. I also love the on the 4th we as a people are celebrating our great nations birth!

My ideal 4th of July consists of cooking out, fireworks, and time with family and friends. As I have mentioned before-life doesn’t always measure up with MY ideals. This particular 4th I am referring to was just one disappointment after another. Plans with family fell through on all fronts. The weather wasn’t cooperating, it was rainy and cloudy most of the day. My oldest son was in his “I don’t want to be around my lame family” mood. Our van had its mirror busted out. It was all around a rotten day, and certainly not ideal! So I cried… A lot! I didn’t want to deal with a crummy day, I was basically having a temper tantrum similar to a 2 year-old inside.

 

My husband did so much to make the day better. The kids tried too, which was so sweet of them. In the end though it was on me to decide how to change my frame of thinking. It took a lot of tough love from myself, and a lot of self talk, to make me realize I didn’t need to make things worse with my bad attitude. I’m almost positive that I’ll fail at moments like these again, but I’ll keep trying to do better. I think that’s just a part of life, but it goes on-upward and onward!