I have recently been thinking about being let down. It occurred to me that I am so very use to being let down by others, it’s almost like second nature to me. When I think about it I get kind of sad because I wish it wasn’t so, but due to life experiences I have just grown accustomed to people letting me down. I have also developed a wonderful skill of not having too high of expectations.
My mom was really upset about something that happened a few weeks ago, and I tried really hard to understand where she was coming from. I kept asking her why she let herself get so worked up about this incident because it just let her down in the end. She of course could not understand why I wasn’t more upset and it dawned on me– I have just grown so use to certain people doing things the exact opposite of what they say.
I tried to figure out how I became somewhat cynical, and I know exactly how this happened. Every time my mom would be drunk or would go to a bar and I would cry, beg and plead for her to not do it again. She would make would be false promises and tell me it was the last time she would drink or go to a bar. Every time she went back on those promises my heart would break a little more, until I just stopped believing her. I know that this is a common problem people with addictions face, or the people that love them. Not only did I stop believing her I began to believe that others would let me down in the same way as well. I don’t know if I was creating that which I feared or if I was just being realistic about situations.
This trait is not conducive to developing healthy relationships with others, and my saint of a husband is very patient with me as I try to work through this. I am also thankful for a loving Heavenly Father that loves me and is there for me time and time again. He allows me to feel like I can trust, and He has put people in my life that have shown me a different way. I am grateful for this, and I hope that as I get older it gets a littler easier for me to trust others. I also hope that my heart can be protected from experiencing that sort of pain again.