Is Everything OK?

If someone were to ask me right now if everything was OK, and I was being honest, I would tell them no. Everything is not OK right now. That isn’t how we answer though is it? It’s hard to be vulnerable and honest when things aren’t OK in our lives.

My life is the kind of life that make others grateful for their trials… Seriously I have been told that more times than I care to admit. I’m glad that all the trials I have make others grateful for the ones they have, how did I get so lucky? It is a little discouraging when people say that to me, it makes me feel like I won some really crappy lottery or something.

I won’t go into it all here because I don’t like to share things that are happening right in the moment. A lot of what I am feeling/going through are ongoing issues or things from the past that are haunting me. I wish I could run away at times, get a breath before having to be thrown back into all the trials. Life does not work like that though, when we need a break the most is when we are the least likely to get one.

I suppose all we can do when heavy challenges, trials, hardships, disappointments, and heartaches come knocking on our door is to endure them as best as possible. Maybe try to find someone that is going through even worse times so we can be grateful for our own hardships…. Or be grateful that our life can be a help to others as they are able to appreciate that things aren’t worse for them currently. I’m choosing to keep my head up, cry when I need to, and find things to be grateful for during my current difficulties. I know this storm shall pass eventually, but for now everything is not OK.

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Feelings of Loneliness

About three and a half years ago I experienced the worst kind of heartache I have ever known. It was one of ultimate betrayal and deception, it was as if my whole reality was completely shattered and turned upside down. I wouldn’t wish this kind of heartache on anyone, and anyone that has felt this know you are not alone. Now is not the time I will write about what happened, I am still working through it myself, but I am closer to feeling healed from it each day.

I know now that this kind of heartache is one that has not been felt by many. I know this because more times that not I heard from others, “I’m sorry I don’t know what you’re going through”, or “I wish I knew how to help”, or “I can’t believe you’re having to go through all of this, I can’t imagine”. The response I remember most is when I was told, “You could write a book about all of these things, because they are almost unbelievable that one person is going through all of this”. I frequently found it baffling that I was having to go through one knockdown, knockout punch after another. It felt like a never ending trial, and also the worst year of my life (yes it was for a little over whole year).

Over Easter weekend I was reflecting on some of these things I went through as I thought of our Savior and His suffering as He went through the Atoning sacrifice. When I was going through some of the hardest times I have ever known I frequently felt like no one else in the whole world knew how I was feeling. I felt so alone, and like such a burden on so many that had no idea how to help because they had never experienced what I was going through. It was a time of loneliness and despair, as I felt I was being asked to walk through these trials. I had never felt like such a solitary being before.

After a while of feeling this way, and realizing I wasn’t going to be able to find anyone that was going/or had gone through the same things as I was, I had to look somewhere else. It would have been easy to find other things to distract me from the hurt I was feeling, but I didn’t. Instead I focused on the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He suffered so much, and did so all alone, so I would never have to feel alone. I came to understand the Atonement wasn’t just for washing away our sins (which it is that too of course), but rather it is also there for us so we have someone there for us who knows exactly how we feel. As I studied more about the Atonement and how alone and utterly forsaken our Savior felt on that cross I was able to realize I wasn’t alone, not really. He felt those feelings I was having and He did so for me, as He did for each and everyone of us.

This is so very humbling to know and to feel that comfort and that peace. I am so thankful for His sacrifice, as much as I wish it didn’t need to be. I am thankful that I don’t have to walk alone, especially when no other human knows how I feel. This life would be a lot more lonely if I didn’t have this knowledge. I hope all of you had a wonderful Easter weekend, and I hope you know you are never alone.

Darkness Catching Up

Have you ever traveled across the country and the sky is dark behind you and you can see the sun in front of you? You know that the darkness will catch up with you shortly, but you still hold onto what light is left in the sky. I feel like this applies in life too sometimes, well for me it does anyway. I feel like my past and all the experiences are that darkness ans that they are going to catch up to my present life and take over sometimes.

The other day I just started crying because of all the things that I have had to go through in my life. Not sure what triggered these feelings or why they were so overwhelming, but it just was. I don’t like this part of myself because I fear that I will never be completely whole, even though it’s what I want most. The things that happened when I was a child and a teenager, and then in my adult life with my ex-husband. There is a lot of emotional baggage I have that I have to work through and unpack–little by little.

It has been a long and difficult journey to work on these issues, and I tend to need reassurance at times to know that I’m not messing everything up in my life. I do the best I can and I hope for the best, but sometimes I get really discouraged. It helps me to remember how far I have come from where I was, and to know that it’s all right to have moments to break down (I just don’t unpack and live there).

I know in my life that the angel of mercy has been there to pick me up, and I know that my Heavenly Father never leaves me to suffer through those times alone. That offers me some comfort and peace. Knowing I am not alone to go through these periods of discouragement helps me to pick myself up and keep plugging along. We aren’t meant to continue to suffer after difficulties and hardships, we are meant to learn from them and let them strengthen us. That can be hard to swallow when you feel like a part of you is broken however. I have come to look at these hardships as things that heavenly Father is working on to help me be a stronger person, and to be able to relate to others as well.

I hope if you are going through anything difficult or trying, that as hard as it may be, that you can look at it as a way to become even stronger than you were before.