In the Thicket of Storms

As I have mentioned once or twice before in other posts I didn’t have the ideal childhood growing up. I dealt with a lot of hardships, heartbreaks, and difficulties. I have been reflecting recently on one incident in particular, a hardship that clouded over most of my 14th year of life– my mom tried to kill herself.

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My main motivation in sharing my side of this story is the fact that I want to take away it’s last bit of power over my heart, for this causes a lot of heaviness for me to think about. Second I want others to know the affect that a decision like that has on the ones that love them. Lastly, this incident haunted me for a good portion of my life, I was severely traumatized by it for years. I was able to start healing after an incredible treatment called EMDR, which I received from my counselor. If you suffer from any kind of trauma I cannot recommend EMDR enough to help.

After a particularly hard breakup that my mom went through she became quite depressed. She started drinking even more (which I didn’t think was possible!), and she didn’t want to get out of bed most days. It was really tough situation to see my mom so sad when I couldn’t do anything to help her. I remember I had gone into my moms room to say goodnight to her before going to bed. When I walked in her bed and her were covered with blood… I had no idea what to do. I ran to get a towel or washcloth to stop the bleeding. It didn’t work, the washcloth was quickly covered with blood as well. I was worried my mom was going to die and 14 year old me didn’t know what to do or how to make the bleeding stop. I called 911 because I didn’t want my mom to die.

From that point it was such a blur. I sat with my mom trying to comfort her and to make sure she stayed awake until help arrived. As soon as the ambulance got there I started crying, and an officer put their arm around me and took me out of the room to talk to me about what had happened. I told them as best as I could my side of what had happened. They ended up needing to take my mom to the hospital, and she was put on suicide watch. She was admitted to the hospital for two weeks. During that time I went to a friends house, and I don’t remember much of what happened past that point… I was in shock.

When my mom was released from the hospital I was so happy,  I secretly hoped she would stop drinking and taking drugs (she didn’t), and things would get better. I watched her and tried to be super supportive and helpful, mostly treating her with kids hands because I thought she was so fragile. That is mostly the only thing I remember of being 14, it was a thicket of storms that didn’t part quickly.

 

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